Monday, December 6, 2010
Open Letter to the Bearded Fat Guy
But, people told me if I was good, you'd sneak into our house at night at leave me presents. I didn't understand that because, you see, we started locking our doors after a mass murderer started killing off people when I was a little kid.
I didn't want no stranger sneakin' in to our house in the middle of the night, even if he was gonna leave me some presents. But they said I had to leave you some cookies and milk if I ever expected to get anything. So I sat some cookies and milk on my little red stool for you to find.
Well, mister, you did okay for a while, but how could I ever forget the year that the only thing I ever wanted and the only thing I ever asked for was a Tiny Tears doll. Lookin' back, I have no idea what I ever wanted with a baby that peed all the time! Ugh! But, mister, you let me down. What did I get instead? Some clothes and a bible with my name embossed on it. My name embossed on the darn thing, so I couldn't even take it back for an exchange! Where did ya get the idea that I wanted something besides TOYS!?!?!
I was a pretty smart cookie back then and it didn't take me long to figure out there was a bunch of other old coots masquerading as you. I think the grown-ups tried to explain them as your "helpers" because you couldn't possibly be in all of those stores around town at the same time. Well, hey! If you couldn't swing that, how'd you expect me to buy the idea that you were goin' to have enough time to drop off TOYS (remember the TOYS?) to all of the good little boys and girls all around the world. It just didn't add up.
One day at school, Bobby (who's last name shall not be used here, but I know who he is!) told me you weren't for real. By then, I didn't think you were anyway, so I went home and asked my mom straight up, "Is this old coot for real or not?" And she said you weren't for real. Then she told me the story about Kris Kringle and some other hocus pocus stuff to pacify me.
What I couldn't figure out was that grown-ups were always trying to teach us some basic rules of life, like 1) never talk to strangers, 2), don't let any strangers in your house, 3) don't take candy from strangers, 4) you have to work hard and earn money to get the things you want - nothin' in this life is free, and 5) always tell the truth. You remember all that stuff we learned in kindergarten, right?
So what's with the smelly old fat guy? The grown-ups lied to us - they lied to us all! And all these years later, grown-ups are still telling little kids these made-up stories about you. Do they think that little kids are going to forget that Big Lie all that quickly? That our parents lied to us about this old present-giving dude who sneaks into our homes in the middle of the night? There's something in there that just never made a lot of sense to me when I was a kid. Why would grown-ups - our moms and dads - tell us not to tell a lie and then deceive us with a big whopper like this one?
Well, old man, you haven't been a part of my life in a long time and I can't say that I've been any the worse for it. I've learned to say what's on my mind (probably too often), and if I want a present, I've learned to work and save my money so I can get it for myself. I don't need some old bearded sugar daddy to give me what I want.
The only thing left for me to figure out is why I'm writing to someone who I know doesn't exist? Whatever!
Now, can I please get Andy Rooney's job on 60 Minutes?